Hannah Binns

Became an angel on the 25th September 2007, Rest in peace sweet Hannah.

On 22nd September 2002, Hannah Binns was born; she was always a healthy child who excelled in life and the future looked bright. It was only on the the 28th December 2006 when Hannah was diagnosed with cancer that this all changed. It was a very rare type and she was only given months to live.

We first started to notice Hannah's symptoms in the middle of December. She started writing with her right hand instead of her left hand. About a week later she started trotting around the house instead of walking. She was talking kind of slow like a baby. We thought she was being silly because I was getting ready to head out of town for my nephews wedding and she would be staying with her dad. We took her to my friend's house when we went to go sign on our new house and I asked her to watch Hannah to see what she thought of her behaviour. When we picked her up my friend said she thought she was getting worse and she didn't think Hannah was pretending. So on the way back to the house I called her pediatrician and he told me to take her to the ER at Texas Children's Hospital immediately. Thank goodness it was their slow time of year and we were only in the waiting room about 2-3 hours. They took her in and did a CT scan. They said they could barely see that there might be something by her vertabrae. The next day they did an MRI. When we first knew there was a tumor we thought the worst case scenario would be for Hannah to have to have brain surgery. Little did we know that she would have a tumor that wasn't even operable.

Hannah had a PICC line put in her right arm on January 8th in preparation for radiation which began the 9th. She had to be anesthetized each time she had radiation (5 days a week). The doctors also put her on Decadron (steroid) to help with inflamation and Zantac (to help with nausea from the steroids). She was on 4MG 4 times a day and she progressed so well she was only on them for 2 1/2 weeks. On January 26th Hannah decided she had had enough of being "put to sleep" and being sick every time she woke up, so she decided to start doing her radiation treatments without anesthesia.

She just made it to her 5th birthday, but spent it in hospital with her family by her side. 3 days later on the 25th September she passed away at 12:53am.(Today)

She is dearly missed by all her family.

...

25th Sept - What can be said? Today started out a little rough for me. I kept expecting to see Hannah as I walked through my bedroom or around the house. It took me awhile to find my place. I am so used to having almost every moment absorbed in taking care of Hannah, that I don't know what I should be doing, although the list is long, I have just put things off for so long so I could take care of Hannah, and now I just feel like I should be still taking care of her, carrying her downstairs, feeding her, reading to her etc. I will miss her so very much, but we knew she was only to be ours for a short time. We are so grateful for all of you who have taken the time to post messages on the website. I have been reading them off and on all morning, and they have been a great source of comfort and inspiration. Thank you!

The kids seem to be doing well. Each of them are dealing with this in their own way. AliEmme seems to be having the hardest time. I have never lost a sister, but I am sure it is very difficult to come to grips with. John is showing his usual resiliance. He is sad, but not too sad to ask who is going to take care of Hannah's Jeep now, and offering to do the job. Billy told me this morning "Nana home", and she is home. She has already gone to the place most of us spend many many years trying to get to. She has set the bar high for Mike and me, if we want to be with her again we will have to behave. Our marriage is stronger than ever. Going through a fire together will teach a couple things about each other that nothing else will. I know there will be rough times ahead. I thought getting to this point was the rough part, but I think it has just begun. I know her spirit is happy and whole without the physical limitations her tumor had given her physical body, but sometimes you want a hug from your physical little girl and I can't get those any more, I will have to settle for a memory, but at least I have those! Sorry if this all sounds a little disjointed as I get my thoughts together. We are doing well in general and pray for strength for all who have been touched by Hannah to continue the fight to become who we need to be in the coming days and weeks and years!

26th Sept - Just a short update. We now have Hannah's funeral information. We would like to invite everyone to celebrate her short life with us. Hannah's favorite color was pink and white is symbolic of heaven. For the funeral we would like to invite everyone who would like to, to wear something white, pink or both in her honor.

Viewing:
Friday Sept 28 7-9
Memorial Oaks Funeral Home (281-497-2210)
Eldridge and I-10
Viewing:
Saturday Sept 29 9-10 a.m.
Katy Stake Center
Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints
1603 Norwalk
Katy, TX 77450
followed by funeral(at same location):
10:30-11:45

Thank you all for your love and support!

27th Sept -Another beautiful day in Houston. I am so thankful for the sunny days that lift the spirit and remind me that my little Sunshine (Hannah) can still be felt all around even if she isn't here, and that her warmth and kindness can continue to touch other lives. We are finishing up our preparations for the funeral and family is beginning to arrive. I know when the dust settles and real life kicks in again and I have to start adjusting to a new routine it is going to take awhile. I just have to make sure that all of this has not been in vain, that I don't ever forget the precious lessons learned over the past nine months. I have gone through a crash course in unconditional love, hope, faith, service and kindness. Those lessons have not only been taught by Hannah but also by those of you who have touched our lives in so many ways. I will cling to those lessons as I hope we all will that her influence may be felt for generations to come. My life has been changed for the better. Knowing what an influence for good she has been in the lives of so many helps to ease the pain, to know that her life has been a service to others.

We have had a few people asking what charities they can donateto in Hannah's name. The ones that have touched our lives and helped us create lasting memories have been "Give Kids the World", "Make-a-Wish" and this caringbridge site. Any donations made to any of these worthy foundations will be greatly appreciated by us and many more who will follow in our footsteps as we are following in the footsteps of those who have gone down this path before us.

We would like to invite everyone to celebrate her short life with us. Hannah's favorite color was pink and white is symbolic of heaven. For the funeral we would like to invite everyone who would like to, to wear something white, pink or both in her honor.

1st Oct - Here I am again. Sitting in front of the computer, wondering what to write....if I should write? One week ago at exactly this same time, I was sitting up in my bedroom holding my sweet little girl as she was breathing her last earthly breaths. In some ways it seems like only yesterday and in others a life time away. So much has changed since last week.

The funeral was beautiful. Everybody was wearing pink and white and it brightened the whole occasion, and helped me to focus on the beauty of her life instead of the sadness of her death. My friends Jamie and Trina decorated for both viewings. It was absolutely breathtaking the collages they put together of pictures they had both taken of Hannah, they added special little touches that made it fit for any princess. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for such a beautiful tribute. We also had two DVD's made one by my brother, Steve, and one by Laura, a co-worker of Mike's. There is something about putting pictures to music that speaks to the soul and touches it, comforts it, and helps me to realize that Hannah will not be forgotten. Both DVD's are amazing and will serve to soothe and comfort our family in the days, weeks and years to come. We also had another wonderful surprise this past week, Marvin Goldstein, the composer and pianist who came to visit Hannah in May wrote an incredible song, "I'll Miss You" for Hannah and sent it to me so we could play it at her funeral. It was perfect, the melody was beautiful and the words were a work of art.

The love and support from those that surround us and those far away continues to astound us! So many of you sent beautiful flowers, that brightened those dark days and brought joy to our hearts. Mike's work has supported us throughout this entire ordeal, with love and compassion that I don't think could be matched by any other company family! They showed up in droves in their pink and white to support us at both viewings and the funeral. They brought meals and beautiful plants to add to our landscape as a constant reminder of the lessons taught and learned this past year! If I don't get notes out to them individually I hope they know how much it has meant to all of us. We have continued to receive notes of love and encouragement from many of you and are so very grateful for your prayers on our behalf!

After the graveside dedication we did a pink balloon release. That was so beautiful, the balloons were dancing on the wind and looked like little children running and skipping to heaven. I know that Hannah loved it, I could feel it in my heart.

Oct 7th - Thank you all so much for the expressions of love and concern! The messages on the website and the cards we have received in the mail, have been wonderful. Thank you all so very much, we have been overwhelmed by the love of so many, and have decided that this must be a little of what heaven is like, with so many people sharing so much love, except in heaven we will be rejoining our loved ones. Pretty good incentive to behave!!!

I believe we will continue to update this website, at least weekly. It has been and are sure it will continue to be a source of comfort for us to read the sites of those who have gone before and hopefully there will be those who will follow us that may be helped through this most difficult time by reading of somebody who has already gone through this. Sometimes I think the fear of the unknown is one of the most difficult things to deal with in this situation. If we are able to share even to a small degree the peace we have been able to feel at this time with others who are in a similar situation, it will be well worth the effort.

The Lord has been good to us. Today we listened to General Conference (our church broadcasts from Salt Lake twice a year where our prophet and other leader speak to us) and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang two of Hannah's favorite songs (ones we had at her funeral). It was beautiful. We also received great instruction about teaching our children and strengthening our families (two things I have been very concerned about). A great emphasis was made to teach us to more closely follow Christ's example and to not only have clean hands, but also pure hearts before the Lord. I just really felt like I received great reassurances that the Lord is in control and that Hannah is happy and is continuing to learn and grow in a way that I could never have imagined for her here. Don't get me wrong...I still miss her terribly. I do still cry, but usually only when I am feeling sorry for myself, not when I am thinking of what a wonderful life she had and how happy she must be now living with so much light, love and knowledge constantly surrounding her.

This past week I have been going through Hannah's things. I just love the wonderful memories we have been able to create with her. I found some pictures she had drawn, some notes I had taken down about funny things she said and did. I also read through memories that people have written down about Hannah and they have provided much comfort for me, knowing what an influence for good she has been. So many fond memories, thank you all for sharing them with us!

The kids are all doing well. They are all still dealing with this in their own individual way, but they all seem to be doing well. None of them have been in denial, which is good. They are still asking questions, which means they are still processing it and trying to work things out in their minds. Little Billy is almost 3 and he is really having a hard time grasping the concept of death and got pretty mad at me when he saw me putting Hannah's clothes away in a box and moving her bed downstairs. That is probably one of the hardest things for me right now is seeing his confusion and not being able to explain it to him. He has become a little more attatched to me, but hopefully he will keep working all of this out in his mind. He sure loves to see her pictures around the house, especially the ones with him also. We love you all and appreciate your continued prayers for comfort!

13th Oct - An update of this nature has been considered for a week or two now and the time has come to do so. A full Saturday awaits and there is one-half hour this morning to get it done! It is my hope that those who have sent cards, gifts, and expressions of care and concern in the past months and recent weeks also read Hannah's website. The care of others is awe inspiring and less than adequate attempts are made to express our appreciation to all. We extend a most sincere expression of gratitude to all!

The past nine months have been nothing short of the greatest blessing we have had in our lives! I am quite aware of the way this statement may be understood but we cannot deny that we see, think, and feel as we never have before. Our hearts and minds are extending into the eternities and we know that all is well. If this had not happened, we are not sure our perspectives, thoughts, and feelings would have ever become what they are today. With each passing day our "suffering" turns to joy and we are quite content with what has changed and we move on. The Spirit of peace reigns in our home and hearts and we are grateful for the goodness all around! The life of Jesus Christ makes all of this a reality and we do say to all that we know that He lives. He has atoned for sin and death and we must follow Him. God our Father rules in the heavens above and spreads his matchless love in the lives and hearts of all who live, all who have lived, and all who will live. It is the decision of each individual to recognize what a loving Father does for his children and never can we assume anything less.

We love all of you and look forward to many happy days with each of you in the near and distant future!

16th Oct - Tuesday evening, another sunny day. We had a big storm last night and our backyard once again turned into a mini-lake. Instead of confining the kids to the house as I normally would, because going outside is too messy, I let the boys go outside and play in the "lake". They played and played until it was time for bed. When they came in Johnny said "Thanks mom, for letting us play in the rain." For some reason that really warmed my heart. I guess one of the things I learned from Hannah is it is ok to let a few things go and to go ahead and enjoy life, those memories will be there forever, but my clean kitchen floor won't (unfortunately)!

I sure do miss my little sunshine. She really did brighten each day, with her sweet smile and her quick wit. Because of her I am learning to enjoy our other kids more, realizing that it is possible that one day everything could change again. I have to make sure that I have no regrets. That is one of the things that I am grateful for. With Hannah we had lots of time to create memories, and to make sure that we taught her what she needed to know and she knows that we love her. What a blessing. I came across this poem in one of the books I have been reading, and it is very accurate of how I have felt the past almost 10 months.

Pain stayed so long I said to him today,
"I will not have you with me anymore."
I stamped my foot and said, " Be on your way,"
And paused there startled at the look he wore.
"I, who have been your friend," he said to me,
"I, who have been your teacher -- all you know
Of understanding love, of sympathy,
And patience, I have taught you. Shall I go?"

He spoke the truth, this strange unwelcome guest;
I watched him leave, and knew that he was wise.
He left a heart grown tender in my breast.
He left a far, clear vision in my eyes.
I dries my tears, and lifted up a song --
Even for one who'd tortured me so long.

Today the bombe chest that my sisters got for us arrived. It is for us to store Hannah's special treasures. It is beautiful and will be a wonderful blessing for our family. I have put in her favorite books and games and a few other things. I am planning to make it a special thing I can share with Billy and Rebecca and any other children we may have, to help them learn about their big sister Hannah and also to remind John and AliEmme about her. They can share their special memories with the younger children also. Hannah will always be a part of our family. I am very grateful for that knowledge, it has helped me get through the tough days.

22nd Oct - I don't have anything too profound to say today. I guess the dust is starting to settle and real life is really kicking in. Each day holds its own challenges. Most days we are all busy, we see or hear from lots of friends and our minds are occupied, which is a good thing. Some days are a little more quiet and more time is spent on reflection, on the changes that have occured in our lives over the past year. The mixed blessings. About this time last year we found out I was pregnant with our fifth child and my biggest concern was making sure the fall festival would be a success and making sure all of the Primary kids were ready for the Primary program. It seems like a world away. My faith in all that I have been taught for so many years, has been put to the test. I can't just say, that all of those things I have been taught over the years, make sense, so they must be true. I have to know they are true, I have to believe it with all of my heart, otherwise I don't think I could make it through this time with my sanity intact. I am so grateful for those who have taken the time to teach me throughout my life about Heavenly Father's plan for each of us. It has made all of the difference in the world. The days are still challenging, the tears still come periodically, but they are not overwhelming. I cry because I miss her, not because I am afraid I won't ever get to hold her again. We have gained so many wonderful friendships and have seen the hand of God in our lives like never before. I am starting to understand so much more how He works through others to enrich our lives. How service helps both those who serve as well as those who are served. The beautiful simplicity of "Love One Another", has taken on a whole new meaning. We are very blessed. Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I look forward to reading the notes that are posted as well as sent, they always give me a boost. I love knowing that Hannah is still in so many hearts! Thank you!